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Greetings, Quotaholics:
Most of the time when Bruce or I write, we try to write about deep and
meaningful subjects. We usually find a source article of some length
on which to base our writings. However, sometimes I end up with links
to a bunch of short articles that are not worthy of an RGQ piece on
their own. So today I decided to combine some of these “shorts”
just to get them off my chest!
First off some advice on how to deal with difficult economic times.
If things get worse we may find ourselves supplementing our diets with
road kill.
An article
I found should serve as a reminder that if you should stop to collect
your dinner from the side of the road, make sure it’s really dead.
A man who is, ironically enough, named Fox recently ran over a fox on
his way home. He picked the fox up and threw it in the backseat.
The fox came to and attempted to bite Mr. Fox. In his attempt to protect
himself Mr. Fox lost control of his vehicle and flipped it. The article
concluded “Fox suffered minor injuries and bruises, the Leaf Chronicle
reports. The fox died, though it was unclear if it was from initial
injuries or the subsequent wreck of the vehicle.”
The second bit of wisdom for today relates to the many attempts to protect
us from ourselves by outlawing guns, knives, swords, etc. It seems that
a recent fight in Hollywood,
Florida involved men armed with a hammer and a letter opener.
If I were a betting man I would probably go with the hammer, but as
it turns out the letter opener won the war or at least the battle. “When
officers arrived, the victim refused to cooperate or say what the argument
was about. He’s being treated at Memorial Regional Hospital. His condition
is not yet known.”
The third article deals with a subject I’ve written about before,
England’s
strange attempts to protect everybody from everything. I don’t
know much about how their local councils work, but I’ve got a
feeling I wouldn’t get along so well dealing with them.
Burglars had robbed Bill Malcolm’s tool shed and vegetable plots
three times in four months. They managed to steal more than $500 worth
of hardware. So Mr. Malcolm, 61, installed a 3 foot barbed wire fence
at his Worcester property.
The local council ordered him to remove the fence in case thieves hurt
themselves on it.
Malcolm said “The council said they were unhappy about the precautions
I had made but my response was to tell them that only someone climbing
over on to my allotment could possibly hurt themselves. They shouldn’t
be trespassing in the first place but the council apologized and said
they didn’t want to be sued by a wounded thief.”
This sort of puts a different light on the issue of Americans shooting
people for trespassing doesn’t it?
And
finally, a story from Santa
Maria, California that points out why I would never make it as a
judge.
Arturo
Adame was convicted of sexually abusing a female relative for more than
a decade. He was sentenced to 126 years in prison. “Adame turned
to his victim, clapped and smiled after receiving the sentence Wednesday,
prompting Santa Barbara County Superior Court Judge James Rigali to
order bailiffs to immediately remove him from the courtroom.”
If
I had been the judge I would have let the victim and the family have
their way with this creep for at least half an hour before sending in
the bailiffs to rescue him. There’s justice and then there’s
true justice!
I
now return you to your regularly scheduled RGQ,
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"The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: ‘Why is it doing that?’, ‘Where are we?’,
and ‘Oh S…!’" - Anonymous
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant." - Anonymous
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New Windows
[Thanks, Noella]
Last year I replaced
all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy
efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole
year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.
Helllooooo? Just
because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid. So,
I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year
— that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It’s
been a year, I told him.
There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never
called back.
I bet he felt like
an idiot.
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"Any party which takes credit for the rain must not be surprised
if its opponents blame it for the drought." - Dwight Morrow, American
statesman, lawyer, banker, and diplomat (1873-1931)
"Life changing events offer
you the chance to become a bitter person or a better person." -
Anonymous
"Do not trust to the cheering, for those very persons would shout
as much if you or I were going to be hanged." - Oliver Cromwell
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| Cute
Expression
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E-Mail
the Imp
If
it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, and it walks like a
duck, and it swims like a duck, it probably is a duck. As a “rule
of thumb” (the “Duck Rule”) for everyday life its
O.K. to make observations that way, but it doesn’t cut it scientifically.
When Neanderthal bones were first discovered and a skeleton assembled,
logic of the time said that a creature that had ape features was ape
like with little or no intelligence. The initial assessment was based
on the “Duck Rule”. Research and additional fossil finds
have led the scientific community to new assumptions, and they’re
not based on the “Duck Rule”.
I’m sure that there have been occasions where the scientific method
has been used and because of it faulty assumptions have been made. It
could be that scientific knowledge hadn’t expanded enough so that
extrapolating based on what is known lead to faulty theory. Theories
about the origin of the moon have changed over time as more scientific
knowledge was gained, but the “Duck Rule” theory about “green
cheese” just doesn’t cut it. (Cut the cheese pun intended)
In August 1958 there was a short article in the Science News Letter
about bone tools from Middle Stone Age Man found in Africa. At the Kalkbank
Stone Age campsite over 3500 bone fragments were found. Microscopic
analysis showed that these fragments had been shaped by both human action
and by rodents gnawing. Now here’s a case when you could apply
scientific analysis and the “Duck Rule” equally, and come
up with several different answers.
One could be that all the tools were made by man and after use the rodents
gnawed on them. This seems reasonable since the tools were chisels and
scraping blades and the rodents could have been gnawing on tissue residue.
One could be that the rodents made all the tools and man just “tweaked”
them up for use. Or perhaps, in that one area and by random chance,
man and rodent worked independently to produce the same item.
Of course there is a fourth explanation…an alien spent some time
at the site teaching two different mammal species how to make simple
tools and then left to see what would happen. Maybe everything early
man learned was taught to him and another mammal species at the same
time, as sort of a control experiment. I wonder what species would have
evolved if early man hadn’t show any promise.
The Bad Sied 
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On this
day in history, October
20, 1967: Roger Patterson and Robert Gimlin shoot a 53
second film with a 16 mm hand-held Kodak movie camera. The star of
the film was about 100 feet (30 m) from the photographer. The leading
man was Bigfoot, or else a tall human in a modified gorilla costume. Patterson
had spent years searching for Bigfoot (Yeti, Sasquatch). He had written
a book on the subject pointing out evidence in support of the creature’s
existence. He and his friend, Bob Gimlin, were near Yakima, Washington
looking for Bigfoot.
The two were riding horses in the Six Rivers National Forest when they
saw a female Bigfoot by a creek. The sight frightened Patterson’ horse
who reared and threw Patterson to the ground. Patterson grabbed his camera
and pursued the creature on foot. Gimlin watched with a rifle in hand
should the creature attack. Both humans had agreed to shoot only in self-defense.
They estimated the height of the creature to be over 7 feet (2.1 m) and
figured the weight to be 700 pounds (320kg). Footprints left in the sandy
soil measured 14.5 by 6 inches (37 by 15 cm). Fearing confrontation, the
humans did not give chase into the woods.
There are proponents who insist Bigfoot exists. The arm length of the
creature filmed is given as proof. D. W. Grieve M Sc., Ph.D. has stated
the film speed is crucial to determining if the film is fake or not. If
the 16 mm film was shot at 16 or 18 fps (feet per second), the gait is
inconsistent with human walking. If shot at 24 fps or greater, Bigfoot
happens to walk just like a human. In 2002, Philip Morris claimed to have
made the suit worn by the film star. Bob Heironimus claimed he was the
person inside the suit.
"One can hardly quarrel with a movie taken at a range of approximately
100 feet . . . but of course it all depends on the movie - and the star."
- John Napier
"The Bigfoot researchers say that no human can walk that way in the
film. Oh, yes they can! When you’re wearing long clown’s feet, you can’t
place the ball of your foot down first. You have to put your foot down
flat. Otherwise, you’ll stumble." – Philip Morris
"Roger Patterson set out to make a Bigfoot documentary. He immediately
stumbled upon a Bigfoot. Not only that, he stumbled upon a Bigfoot that
was out in the open in bright, clear sunshine, perfect weather for filming.
He didn’t just beat the odds. He gave the odds a royal whipping."
– Robert B. Stein, hoax expert
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Email Kirsten
“Many
kids can tell you about drugs but do not know what celery or courgettes
taste like.”
~ Jamie Oliver ~
Today I got to thinking about one of the ironies of modern living. We
as a society are obsessed with weight loss, and yet we have the most
prevalent obesity epidemic in history. On one particular TV channel,
about 65% of the advertising is for some weight-loss gimmick. I’ve seen
advertising for diets that claim to confuse your system into losing
weight, pills that allegedly make you lose 30 pounds in a month, machines
that make you lose weight without you needing to do a thing. A popular
refrain in these commercials is, “Lose weight today! No diet! No exercise!”
Among all of these deadbeat weight-loss methods is a “winner” that some
people swear-by. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to
the phenomenon known as… *drum-roll*… Negative Calorie Diets! The
idea behind negative-calorie diets is that you eat foods that contain
fewer calories than it takes for your body to consume them. The origin
of this was the noble celery stalk. Someone started a rumour that celery
contains no calories, and since the effort of chewing uses up calories,
you can lose weight really quickly by living on celery.
This theory
is only partly true. For a start, celery is not completely calorie-free.
An eight-inch stalk contains about six calories. Nor is it true that
chewing burns calories. You could probably burn more calories by watching
paint dry, watching the grass grow, or watching the next US President
get elected. However, the body does need energy in order to digest the
food. And it apparently does take more than six calories to digest a
celery stalk. Therefore, you could technically lose weight on a celery
diet.
But as accountants are fond of saying, “It’s all about the numbers”.
Let’s be generous and say that the body uses 20 calories to digest a
stalk of celery. Since six calories are contained within the celery
itself, that means we have a net loss of 14 calories per celery stalk.
It takes 3500 calories to burn off a single pound of fat, which means
that in order to lose ten pounds, you would have to eat 2500 celery
stalks. If you eat 30 celery stalks a day, it would take you 84 days
- almost three months - to lose the ten pounds. That’s assuming you
don’t eat anything else for the whole three-month duration. It seems
like a lot of pain for a long time for the sake of just ten pounds.
Besides, it stands to reason that man cannot live on celery alone.
Not only is this diet completely impractical, it’s not even necessary.
It’s possible - as I myself have experienced - to lose between twenty
and thirty pounds in three months merely by adopting a healthy lifestyle.
Regular exercise and a sensible, varied diet will do the trick very
well. You’re even allowed to eat a piece of chocolate cake occasionally.
It sure beats one of these negative calorie diets, which allow you no
variety at all, and no doubt leave you drained of energy.
Besides, it’s a known fact that people need chocolate.
Kaleidoscopically yours,
Kirsten
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Okay, I’m having fun now. The last time I checked my spam bucket was
at 8:14 a.m. on Friday. It is now 2:07 p.m. on Sunday. That would
be something like 54 hours, right? Saturday at 8:14 a.m. would be
24 hours, Sunday at 8:14 would be 48, and there are 6 hours between
8:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m., so that’s 54, right. And since it’s now 2:14
p.m. here, that makes two and a third days. The number of items in
my spam bucket: exactly five.
That’s pretty
close to only two a day. They say that spam accounts for 90% of all
e-mail. I got at least 17 legitimate e-mails during that time period,
which means only about ten percent of my e-mail is spam. Why am I
doing 80% better than the rest of the people on the internet? While
I’m obviously better looking than you, I don’t think that’s the only
reason. I’m also probably more charming than you. 
Well, there’s
that, and I report my spam to KnujOn. That allows people like the Federal Trade Commission
to do things like shut down the world’s
biggest spammer, according to Spamhaus.
But mostly I
think it’s that I’m better looking than you.
Tim a’Musing
Having a Ball with Yarns
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When using granulated sugar, keep in mind that one pound sugar is
the equivalent to 2 cups. - Peggy in Tonawanda, New York
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Good turnout.
Keep ‘em coming.
Next opening line…
A cop pulled
me over one night…
Hints:
Here’s a great new rhyming/composition tool. http://www.writerhymes.com/
There’s also a great rhyming dictionary at http://www.rhymezone.com/
Limerick rules. http://freespace.virgin.net/merrick.sheldon/limerickrules.htm
Submit
Opening Line
Submit
Limerick
While
drinking you seldom will see,
What an ass you really can be.
"I’m fine" you will say;
"Now get out of my way";
Then you go out and run your car into a tree. - Bonnie in Louisiana |
While
drinking you seldom will see,…
A homely girl or guy, so listen to me
You may think they’re cute as a pup
Until you sober up
Then you’ll get a new meaning to ugleeeee. - Rick in Roanoke |
While
drinking you seldom will see,…
That traffic light camereee
And if run thru the light
Your fine will be outta sight
And your ticket comes in the mail, you see. - Rick in Roanoke |
One
time I pretended that I—
Had something big stuck in my fly—
I thought it was genius
OH MY WHAT A PENIS
It’s so long that girls can’t get by. - Cassandra in New York |
While
drinking you seldom will see—
just one person, you will see three—
because you are drunk
nearly just like a skunk
you will see your mom, your dad and me. - Cassandra in New York |
I
stopped to get something to eat
And the maitre d came to greet
“Welcome to our cafe
If you will walk this way
I will now take you to your seat.” - Anne Onimous |
I
stopped to get something to eat
I wanted to get something sweet
Instead of that I got
Something that I liked – not!
I was given a great big, red, beet. - Anne Onimous |
I stopped to get something to eat
At a restaurant that was offbeat.
We sat on the floor
Which I did deplore
For then gum got stuck on my seat. - Anne Onimous |
I
stopped to get something to eat
And to take a break from the heat
The work was not done
But it was time for fun
And go poolside so friends I could meet. - E. Cole Aye |
I
stopped to get something to eat
The health code the café didn’t meet.
I soon felt queasy
And felt mostly crappy.
From that dive I beat a retreat. - E. Cole Aye |
I
stopped to get something to eat
I want something thick, juicy – some meat!
But the food police,
To stop the obese,
Served something that was soy on whole wheat. - E. Cole Aye |
I
stopped to get something to eat
In the Mess of the Navy’s fleet.
My meal they did bungle -
Stuff on a shingle -
Looked like something the cook did excrete. - E. Cole Aye |
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Re: Bette Davis is Smokin’
Ah, the thought police strike again. I haven’t smoked for 4 years, but
the self righteous non-smoking brigade still honks me off. If Bette
was smoking in the shot, she should be smoking on the stamp. They would
probably put a full toothy smile on the Mona Lisa if they could. - Lucille
Re: Suicide
While I find it kind of interesting
in a strange sort of way, to hear of these weird ways of killing ones
self, I also find it rather disturbing that these sorts of mentally
ill people are running round lose in our world. If a person has the
capability of coming up with such a strange and sick way of doing themselves
in, what if they decide to try some kind of sick and strange way to
do some one else in. Are there no warning signs? Why are mental health
professionals not catching this?
I have some experience
with working with suicidal persons, and I’m telling you the signs are
there. Has any one ever looked in to the personal background of a person
who has done this type of suicidal act? If so, what type of mental health
history did they have? If we’re going to have these such types of articles,
then let’s dig a bit deeper so that if ever we should encounter one
of these strange victims of one of these horrible fates in mind that
we might be able to get them some help before they do something like
what has been mentioned in these articles of late. - Patty, Celine Kitty,
the Rowdy Dog, and the Tazz
Re: Who Pays?
Margee
said To Chris in Utah: What’s the harm of running a red light if there
is no accident? If no one ever decided to ignore that law we wouldn’t
have to worry about accidents. And one way to stop people from ignoring
that law, is to punish them when they are caught. And that is what a
traffic fine is - a monetary punishment for ignoring the law.
Margee,
I think I may not have explained myself as well as I would have liked.
Let me try again, and let me preface this by saying that I’m a cop,
have been for 18 years, and I’m pretty familiar with the reason for
writing tickets for red light violations. I’m actually a big fan of
the red light ticket, because that’s where most really serious accidents
occur.
My point
is that a traffic violation can’t be defined as a civil infraction.
A civil infraction requires a lawsuit to resolve it. A criminal infraction
requires the “crime” (in this case, failure to stop for a traffic control
device) to be witnessed by one who has the authority to arrest the law
breaker. That person can be a cop, or it can be a citizen, but the cop
is specifically trained and authorized to perform this task, so usually
the cop is the one who completes the arrest. You’re stopped and arrested
by the cop, and you’re released on a citation with your promise to appear
in court. That’s called a “ticket”.
The difference
is that a civil infraction requires that the person or entity who files
the lawsuit to have experienced a loss. That loss is usually quantified
as financial, but it can also be physical or emotional. If someone slanders
you, you can’t sue that person unless that slander caused you some kind
of quantifiable loss. I just don’t see who is experiencing a “loss”
when someone runs a red light without causing an accident. I agree that
the person should get a ticket, but I think it has to be the person
who was driving the car. If the cameras can prove that the person getting
the ticket was the person driving the car, then the ticket should be
criminal, not civil. It should be an arrest. But if there’s not enough
evidence to support an arrest, there should be no ticket. No one has
suffered a loss, no one is out any money or has suffered physical or
emotional distress, so there should be no law suit, no civil penalty.
I wish someone would explain to me how that works, in legal terms. -
Chris in Utah
Re: Reader Submission - Gas Cap
Tesser wrote about the auto industry’s secret…the gas pump icon indicates
which side of the car the gas filler cap is on.
‘Tain’t so….sied
It’s a good idea and would be real handy if it were only true all the
time. Unfortunately, I tested the theory on my cars and it’s only true
about 2/3rds of the time. - Trinidad Jack
Re:
Troops in the U.S.
Here’s an article that was
in today’s Sacramento Bee newspaper that ties in with Mike’s piece in
RGQ on October 6th. Truly, truly scary. http://www.sacbee.com/838/story/1296152.html
- Carol in California
[Thanks
for the comment Carol. I had overlooked it in my email.
Sorry I took so long to include it.]
Reader Submission - Orange Juice
Orange
Juice…it really isn’t just for breakfast anymore! - sied
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Disclaimer- All quotes printed in this publication are believed to be
accurately attributed, but no guarantees are made that some incorrectly
attributed, or even outright false quotes won’t get in here from time
to time. I assure readers that I will do my best to weed out incorrect
quotes, and will print a retraction as soon as I become aware of any errors.
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