Really Good Quotes

Dear Abby Shockers
[Thanks Tesser]

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Bad Children’s Books

Today I’d like to run another guest column from long time reader Lucille.  Thanks Lucille.


There are many minorities and victims in this great country. I’m not saying some of their complaints aren’t valid. No one should have to endure discrimination. What I am griping about is the failure to honor a minority which has done more then any other to provide joy in this United States, if not the world. This
noble group, my friends, is your born again smart Alec.

I am not talking about your run of the mill human who cuts you off in traffic. Some of the reactions I’ve heard to this rudeness were entertaining, but not of the caliber I’m discussing.

Driver 1: "So you think you can pass me and I’ll just let it happen?"

Driver 2: "No. I was challenging you to a drag race. Your Kia vs. my new mustang."

I am talking about your full fledged snappy come back to every conceivable observation born again smart Alec. You know, the guy who will say anything to anyone just to get a laugh. You meet this character just about anywhere. Not all of his/her material is great. Occasionally you can tell that the humor of a given response wasn’t successful. The absence of front teeth or presence of a black eye can be a clue.

Yet, s/he will soldier on, saying just the wrong thing at the right moment. Unless s/he does it professionally and can charge admission for h/er efforts, the only reward is that laugh s/he gets occasionally from a crowd of people, say in church or open court.

I am privileged to be a member of this noble group. I don’t aim for a laugh a minute. In fact, if a port-a-potty tipped over with say .. The mayor in it, you would hardly hear a titter from me. We smart Alecs know when to bury our heads in a book or newspaper to hide our mirth.

Lucille: "No, your honor. I wasn’t laughing at you. I was reading the funnies when (snort) that pie hit you in the nose just as you were rendering your verdict."

Judge: "I find that hard to believe since we all know your blind."

Lucille: "Don’t you see, Judge, That’s what makes it so funny."

Judge: "No, I don’t see."

Lucille: "Ha! Ha! That makes two of us!"

You wouldn’t think that your attitude towards life could have the same effect as the story about the boy who cried wolf, but in my case it did. A couple of years ago, I had a benign tumor around my right ear. I had put off seeking treatment for it long enough that it had grown to the size of a golf ball. It had to come out, and I scheduled surgery.

Radar, my secretary: "So what did your doctor say?"

Lucille: "I have a brain tumor. They have to operate."

Radar: "Ha! Ha! That’s a good one. What did he really say?"

My family’s reactions were similar:

My sister, Lady Baltimore: "That’s not funny. What did he really say?"

My brother, Duke of Granger: "Yeah, yeah, what is the real problem? It’s all in your head, right? Ha! Ha!" I’m not the only smart Alec in my family. It’s genetic.

There will never be a government program to subsidize me and my kind:

Senator: "I don’t care if you haven’t gotten a laugh in a week. That is just not considered a disability."

So, there you have it. There is no rest for the wicked or break for the person who has a hard time keeping a straight face when a gov’ment official opens h/her mouth:

Politician, biting lip to keep from laughing: "I would never take money from the pockets of American tax payers to enhance my own wealth."

Maybe that’s the problem. If you count congress, we smart Alecs are really in the majority.


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Email Kirsten

“I have one thing to say about your being sick. Quit it! It’s a very unhealthy practice.”
~ Cliff ~

Oh dear. I’ve had a bad, bad week. It all started on Saturday morning when my throat started feeling a bit scratchy. By Sunday, the scratchiness had turned to soreness and I was starting to feel a little congested. My plans to go for a long run on Sunday afternoon quickly hit the skids, but I was still hopeful that I would succeed in heading off the oncoming cold at the pass.

But it was not to be. On Monday morning I woke up feeling as if I’d swallowed razor blades. I decided that if I stayed home to rest for one day, I’d be good to go to work on Tuesday. So I Facebook-messaged my car-pool buddy, sent the requisite emails to co-workers, curled up on the couch and alternated between watching the Olympics and sleeping. I went to bed feeling better than I had when I had woken up, feeling smugly confident that I had beaten the cold so quickly.

On Tuesday morning I woke up and immediately regretted it. My throat was burning, my head was bursting with pain and I wished for someone to put me out of my misery. I was clearly not going to work again. Once again, I notified the people who needed to be notified. Tomorrow, I promised them. I’ll be there tomorrow. I doped myself up to the eyeballs and spent the day on the couch. I was miserable but convinced that this was as bad as a cold could possibly get.

I was wrong.

On Tuesday night I was typing an email to someone - to Cliff and Mike, to be honest, explaining to them that I was knocking on death’s door and wouldn’t be able to write my article for Wednesday’s issue. As I clicked “Send”, I felt something in my eye. Something other than my eyeball, that is. I went to the bathroom mirror to dig out the eyelash or whatever it was, but there was nothing there. I didn’t think more of it until later, when I was gallantly trying to fight the temptation to scratch both of my eyes out. They were sore, they were itchy, they were red and swollen, and they were just - well, gross.

On Wednesday, after yet another round of phonecalls and emails to my employers, I went to the doctor. Where I was told that sometimes people can get conjunctivitis as a result of having a cold. Great. I guess I’m one of those people. I thanked the doctor, picked up my prescription eye drops, came home, and spent the rest of the day with a cool wet washcloth over my eyes.

Now it is Thursday evening, and I am finally feeling like something resembling a human being again. I was well enough to work, but somehow I didn’t think my co-workers would appreciate listening to me cough and blow my nose all day, so I stayed home. The coughing has eased, I haven’t had to stuff tissues up my nose since early this morning, and my eyes are no longer crusted together. I am ready to face the world again. By the weekend, I hope to be ready to run again.

Kaleidoscopically yours,
Kirsten

Comment On This Article

Uses For Coffee Filters
[Thanks Deborah]

Use them as a spoon rest while cooking and clean up small counter spills.

Re: Social Security

Patti: First a quibble. You wrote an article about Social Security and future payments funded by contributions through FICA taxes, but at the end asked if any one knew how much they had paid into SSI. Although frequently confused, SSI, short for Supplemental Security Income (Title 16), and Social Security retirement/disability (Title 2), are very different. SSI is funded from general revenue and is a low income program for aged and disabled, and has nothing to do with contributions through payroll tax. It was an attempt to convert state welfare programs to a standard federal program in 1974. Social Security ret/dib benefit amounts are determined by individual contributions. This error is a common source of confusion in the news media as well as the general population due mostly to the fact that both different programs are handled by the Social Security Administration.

As far as figuring out how much you have paid in, the Social Security Administration sends this information to people every few years. You may or be able to figure out what it would be now if it had been invested over the same time frame, if you’re better at math than I am.

Mr. Volcker seems to believe that mortgage rates were kept artificially low by Fannie, Freddie and pressure from the executive and legislative branches of the government and "creative" mortgages. He says that they could rise from this artificially low to a point where houses are purchased by people who can afford them. I’m not sure what he meant by trading from a new start. He seems to be referencing the fact that a large part of our current economic problem results from brokers; mortgage, stock, hedge fund, derivatives, etc. are only concerned with the commissions they generate, rather than the viability of the product they are creating or handling. Think of the ARMs that anyone could tell would not be repaid.

I have a suspicion the Mr. Volcker’s previous retirement is part of the reason we are currently in the position we are in now. I doubt Mr. Volcker is holding a job that would be filled by a new college graduate if he retired.

In regard to the SS funds, In 1983 congress raised the FICA tax and began phasing in an increase in the full retirement age. The trust fund would actually look fairly good, had not our elected representatives "borrowed" it all, along with the federal retirement fund and the military retirement fund. The following articles by Allen W. Smith will tell you more than you want to know about that situation.

http://www.fedsmith.com/article/2318/social-security-hidden-problem.html

http://www.fedsmith.com/article/2324/will-government-repay-its-debt-social-security.html

http://www.fedsmith.com/article/2328/no-money-social-security-trust-fund.html

bob in maryland (formerly employed by the Social Security Administration)



Patti, there’s a whole bunch of other things, rarely mentioned, about what Social Security’s invested funds have been doing since 1935. First of all, those funds are and always have been separated from the national general fund, so initially millions accrued and were invested in the safest interest bearing funds available, as workers paid into the system. That grew to billions in a pretty short time as we left the Depression and worked through WWII. Ever notice how many times Congress fails to agree on a new budget and they pass a Continuing Resolution to keep the government going one more month? Some years they pass two or three of them. What keeps the national government’s payroll going? a LOAN from accounts with huge reserves, like Social Security. I heard one Congressman call it "the National Bank" once. Sounds okay on the surface, doesn’t it? They borrow a few million to keep all of our activities going for a month as a loan, which gets logged on to the budget system as part of the always mounting National Debt. In other words, they borrow with intent to pay back, but don’t actually pay it back. Wars have siphoned off some funds, too. Then they added SSI to the system. Social Security for handicapped folks. That has broadened to help those whose life earnings leave them way behind a living income when they retire, too. This is one item the NOW women never capitalized on when they were trying to get Equal Rights for female workers into the US Constitution as an Amendment. I never earned anywhere near as much as a man doing the same job, thus my average earnings never came close to what my husband could get in monthly payments. Add the fact that originally one had to be 65 to collect and they reduced that to 62. Think about the fact that life expectancy back in the 1930’s and 40’s wasn’t nearly as high as it is today, and you had quite a sizable number of workers who died before they could collect one cent. Social Security is a good idea. I hope it’s around for at least the rest of MY life! Sure my own SS payments went to support my grandparents’ retirement. Nobody ever said the funds YOU put in would support YOUR retirement. And until the 1970’s most employers had Pension Plans. Today fewer companies have them, and more workers have been paying into IRAs and other retirement accounts to supplement their SS payments when they retire. The cost of living has escalated hugely since any of us paid in our first SS payment. Remember when you could figure you had paid in your total annual SS payments iby October or November? Once upon a time the system had an annual limit. Now everybody pays into it all year.
I agree that there is no simple "Fix" for this system. We would need a whole new revolution, government upheaval, and Congress that actually passed laws for the citizens, not the lobbyists and their re-election campaigns. My dad once voiced a neat idea - concerning Congress, " we should take a big gang of taxpayers and go grab every one of those B** and throw them into the Potomac River. Them that can swim get the idea, them that can’t, no loss." Nancy L in Ohio



Volcker doesn’t need to retire because he is too old. He needs to retire because he utterly lacks any grasp of reality.

I have been paying into the system since I was 16 - 21 years now. I don’t remember the figures off the top of my head, but I do look over the statement I get from Uncle Sam whenever it comes. I look at it and say to myself, "Well, there’s some of my money I will never see again!"

I remember discussing the issue with friends as far back as college. Our general consensus then was that we were all getting screwed by system. If a bunch of 19-year-old college kids can figure that out, why can’t Volcker? - Tammy in Alabama



I have attached a video to illustrate the wisdom of the people you referred to. My opinion is that since these "jeen-yussiz" might as well sell "Happy Days" DVD’s to fund Social Security because they have "jumped the shark"! They have earned the monikers given to the bull in this clip… "nincowpoop, gulli-bull, embezzle [imbecile], and ultra-maroon"  Bully For Bugs  - Bruce in Colorado



By postponing retirement, the amount being paid out for any given individual goes down - unless Mr. Volker has also decreed that each retiree will live longer. The length of time one draws retirement, times the amount one draws, is the total retirement received. Decrease either factor and you decrease the total retirement received.

You do not have to ‘figure out’ how much you have paid in to Social Security. Every year or two, I get a statement showing my entire history (in my case, back to 1971).

I do not expect to receive any of my money (or my children’s) back from Social Security. I can’t see a way to make it work. There are, as you observed, too many baby boomers about to enter retirement, and too few (relatively) workers paying in.

Paul Volker is one of the most astute financial minds I recall reading, and reading about, in my time. - Dave in Alabama
[Dave, I understand how not being able to collect benefits for a year will decrease payouts by one year and be an overall savings. The part I don’t understand, is how this will help in 15 to 20 years. I can see what might happen if those of us who are ready to retire right now were forced to postpone our Social Security payments for a year. What I don’t see is how this will help in 2025 or 2030.]



Re: Geocaching

Cliff, I have been reading your articles on Geo caching with much interest. I have been wanting for a long time to jump in the game. But never any time in my busy life to gather the info and knowledge to start something I am unfamiliar with. I don’t even know what I don’t know. Thanks to you I do know more than I did a year ago. It sounds fairly easy to pick up.

I have two boys and one girl and all 3 are heavily into scouting as well as my husband and myself. This is the Boy Scouts of America’s 100 anniversary year and they have rolled out some challenges and brought back some retired merit badges just for this year. One of the new skills being introduced is geo caching. There is a new merit badge for geo caching and special activities for the 100 year that include geo caching. The are also looking for counselors for the geo caching merit badge. See link:
http://scouting.org/100years/100years/Geocaching.aspx

I think you would make and excellent counselor. I hope to start up geo caching myself and eventually be a counselor and bring this to both my son’s troops. (Yes they are in different troops, it was their decision.) Is there any bit of advice you have on where to start? Or any especially good web sites you recommend? How about equipment? What type of gps do you use or recommend? What are some do’s and don’ts from your experience? I would like to share this with the boys so any advice would be helpful. We are hiking a 10 mile trail next month at Forest Park in St. Louis and I am sure there would be caches there and sounds to me like a good place to start the interest. How would I go about finding out if and where any are?

Thanks for your knowledge.Love and Peace - Dana



Starting from a last-minute New Year’s resolution to try a vegetarian diet, I have tried to live at the world average standard of living, using much of the difference between that and the sustainable standard to encourage sustainable development. There were no good university courses for what I needed, so as a thesis I built a single, innovative prototype vehicle that won a world championship. I’m not enough of an entrepreneur to get product out the door, though, needing a partner to keep me from moving on to the next design. I guess the challenge in my writing hobby is to get noticed without offending. - Bob of the North



Re: Image’n That!

Oh boy, did I laugh at your bad product design (RGQ 2/24). Many years ago, my family had an outing planned and I wound up with a severe migraine and couldn’t go. My daughters (all adults at the time) knew how much I loved clowns and bought one of those as a get well gift. It did make me laugh! I no longer have it, as it fell out of the window so often that I could no longer repair it and had to throw it away. The cactus survives to this day, but in a different pot. - Mare in Mare-land



Re: Laptop Camera

Patti said: "I think the school system should require all the laptops to be brought back to school and never used off campus. Problem solved"

Does your solution also involve never giving kids any homework or projects that require use of a computer? Not all families have them at home. Since my 8-year-old nephew’s homework occasionally requires use of a computer, that doesn’t seem like a good option.

Also, just not using the laptops only succeeds in delaying the inevitable. At some point schools are going to have to deal with the question of ethical use of technology. Do schools get to monitor every single thing kids look up on the school library computers. Read the kids email sent from those computers. If a kid gets caught using a cell phone in class, can the teacher look at all the info on the phone - texts, photos, videos, etc. Might as well look at all these scenarios now as wait to later. - Tammy in Alabama

Re: Eating Smarties

I eat my M&M’s (and Skittles) the same way as you do with the Smarties and I don’t usually have my food touch either cos I have plates with divided sections. I also can’t bear it when someone puts their salad on the same plate and the rest of their meal. Most of the food is hot and then someone puts cold salad next to it? Yuck.I don’t think of myself as OCD either, I just think that when one food touches the other it picks of the flavor of the other one touching and ruins both their flavors. So there. - GrammieSammie



Re: Snow

Hey, Bob of the North, where did you find "slip on studs"? That sounds like some pretty kinky stuff! - Mare in Mare-land



Re: Animal Antics

I used to live in the country and slept with my windows open during the summer. It got beastly hot, in the triple digits, and I had no screens on the windows. Sometimes the crickets got so loud outside that I would have to close the windows and just tough it out though, as the stupid crickets kept me awake. But that’s not the story.

Being as how we lived out in the sticks we had to take our own garbage to the dump as we had no trash pick up service. This tended to attract critters, including some HUGE RATS. One night, about 3 AM, my cat woke me when he jumped in my open window. In his mouth was a gigantic rat. As he paused on the window sill, said rat turned around and bit Boy Kitty. (His formal name was Honorable Feline) Boy Kitty dropped the rat in the bedroom. Now, normally I sleep bith both of my dogs in the room and the bedroom door closed. Thats where it got interesting. I was instantly wide awake and huddled into a little balll sitting in the middle of my bed while both dogs (70+ lbs.) and the cat proceeded to chase the rat around my room. Eventually it was Orange Kitty (another one of his names) that caught the rat and I picked him up with the rat in his mouth and put them outside via the back door. That was one of the nights I slept with the windows closed. Boy Kitty never brought me any presents after that. He was such a good hunter, I really miss that cat. He was the boss of both dogs, had them thoroughly cowed. He would pretend to be nice to them, rub up on them, purr and all. Then he would sit next to them and proceed to clean himself, licking his paws and washing his face. Then out of the clear blue he would arch his back and his fur would stand up and he would hop sideways hissing and spitting, cuff each dog about the face 2 or 3 times and then he would sit next to them and continue grooming himself. - GrammieSammie