December 22, 2008
Monday, December 22nd, 2008  |
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| Isn’t it worth $1 a month to you to keep RGQ going? Please click the link and direct your contribution to reallygoodquotes@gmail.com. |
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| A Black and Blue Christmas Christmas of 1997, a couple of my Dad’s friends decided to cut down their own tree. Upon returning home, the husband was covered in pine pitch, so he started a shower while his wife began to decorate the tree. If only it remained that simple… Mid-shower, the wife let forth with a huge scream bringing the husband bounding down the stairs wearing nothing but suds. She was pointing under the sofa, shrieking "A snake! A huge black snake crawled out of the tree and slitered under the sofa!" The husband quickly began his manly-man duty, and got on hands and knees and crawled under the coffee table to get a better look under the sofa. Meanwhile, the wife sprinted outside to get some help, and released their Labrador Retriever from his pen. The dog ran inside the open back door and into the living room. Upon spying the husband in his awkward position, the dog did what any dog with an ice-cold nose would do when meeting someone. Feeling this glacial greeting, the husband (already on-edge determining the whereabouts of a snake) convulsed and bashed his head into the bottom of the coffee table, knocking himself completely unconscious. At this point, his
wife returned to the living room to find her husband unresponsive,
sprawled on the floor. Thinking that he somehow had received some
sort of bite, she immediately called the paramedics who arrived in
record time. As the two EMTs were getting him dressed and strapping
him into the gurney he began to come to. He told them what really
happened, and they were still laughing as, on their way out, the snake
decided to make a return appearance and slithered out from under the
sofa. One of the paramedics was so frightened that he jumped back,
letting go of the gurney. The husband spilled out onto the floor,
breaking his wrist. The snake, somehow, got away. |
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"The people of England have been led in Mesopotamia [Iraq] into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honour. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information. We are today not far from disaster." - Colonel T.E. Lawrence (of Arabia) in the London Sunday Times, August 1920
"It is evident that the Power that controls the oil lands of Persia and Mesopotamia will control the source of supply of the majority of the liquid fuel of the future. Britain must therefore at all costs retain [its] hold on the Persian and Mesopotamian oil fields." - Rear Admiral Sir Edmond Slade, in a report to the British Admiralty in 1918 |
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| Redneck Christmas Tree |
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On this day in history, December 22, 1885: Ito Hirobumi becomes the first Prime Minister of Japan. Japan had been ruled by Shoguns for centuries, sometimes with nods to the Emperor and sometimes not. The Meiji Restoration was a period of conflict between Tokugawa Yoshinobu, the last of the shoguns, and Emperor Komei (Emperor Meiji’s father). On November 9, 1867 the 15th Tokugawa Shogun placed "his prerogatives at the Emperor’s disposal." Ten days later, he resigned as Shogun. Hirobumi was the 1st, 5th, 7th, and 10th Prime Minister of Japan, spending about 8 years in the role overall. The post was created based on Western systems of governance. Hirobumi resigned on April 30, 1888 to head the Privy Council where he could retain power behind the scenes. He again took on the role of Prime Minister with varying degrees of success. Tired of the political games, in-fighting, and back stabbing, he resigned for good in 1901. In 1905 he became Resident-General of Korea and was assassinated by a Korean national on October 26, 1909. "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O’Rourke "No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent." - Abraham Lincoln "The worst thing in this world, next to anarchy, is government." - Henry Ward Beecher |
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“Cats
are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through
snow.” |
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I have a new computer. Well, it’s an old new computer, but parts of it are new. It’s fast. It’s really fast. I have been working on getting all the bits and pieces working for about a week, and when it did, I proudly announced my success on MWC. My good friend Gyppo apparently thought I was being a bit of a braggart, so he tried to pick on me. Remember, this is the same guy that lopped my head off whilst I was trying to raise money for his daughter. You think he would have learned long ago that picking on me isn’t as easy as it looks, but he hasn’t. I’ll let him tell you about it. I am perched in a rather uncomfortable little metal stool following the sad and rather sudden death of my much loved and loyally hard-working gas-lift swivel chair. It had been making threatening noises for the last few weeks, and gradually beginning to wobble. Plus it needed re-gassing. Bouncing around on it last night during the impromptu party as Ilistened to the drinking song and Sabre Dance probably helped in its demise. Originally I thought the noises came from the wooden base in the plastic pan, assuming a crack in the wood. When the seat pan started to tilt, as happened with my earlier cheapo swivel seat, I thought the lug where it fitted on top of the vertical shaft was coming loose. In that case I knew a good bodge. Use a Pepsi can shim to take up the slack, drive it all back into line with a lump hammer, and then drill through and fit an expanding roll pin. So that was the Master plan, which was scheduled - if such a term can be used for any of my rather loose planning - to take place after Christmas. Along with re-upholstering the seat pan. I had a nice bit of black denim ready for the job. I’ve always been more than happy to repair good stuff which has earned it keep, rather than just replace. This was a chair which would have cost over £50 new, although I picked it up for £3 as a bargain. It was tough as hell, not one of those budget priced things which are designed for occasional use. I’ve sometimes spent more than twelve hours a day perched on that thing, and can’t even guess how many words have flowed through my fingers during the six years or so it has served me. It has worked seven days a week and during that time has come to fit my arse perfectly. The back is adjustable too and compared to all the chairs which have been and gone before it was bliss. And now it is dead… I sat on it this morning, logged onto MWC, and just before the end of my morning tease of Tim there was a sudden crack and back it went. It’s funny how the adrenaline hyper-speed kicks in. My initial thought was that the back has snapped off. Second thought was mental picture of where I was going to land. There’s not a lot of spare space in my room, so the thought of bringing down an eight-high stack of book crates on top of me didn’t hold much appeal. But neither did the thought of throwing myself the other way and smacking the back of my head against the wooden end of my bed. But instinct usually works out okay for me, and tears of falling in the showman’s arena have left a fine set of reflexes even if the body isn’t as supple as it once was. I managed to break the fall a little with one elbow on the edge of my bed and the other on the smaller - two-high - pair of crates which supports my scanner and a few other odds and ends. At this point - about halfway to the floor - I realised that the seat pan and back were still connected and had just snapped away from the vertical stem, which was rearing up between my legs, sporting a crown of ragged metal. I hit the ground with one hell of a thump, but managed not to fall back full length. My stiff and dodgy knee was bent at an angle I would prefer it not to adopt at the moment, and I had to bend it even more acutely - and briefly agonisingly - to disentangle it from where it was trapped between the leg of my writing desk and my bed. I could hear Mum charging upstairs, making remarkably rapid progress for a lady of 83 with her own collection of stiff joints,and called out that I was alright. But she didn’t hear me and came tearing in like an ageing Valkyrie to the rescue. Had we needed an ambulance she would have had to jump over me and the broken remnants of my chair, and the gleam in her eyes suggested she would have done it in one flying leap. In between much laughing and much repeated use of the phrase “Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger” I convinced her I wasn’t damaged. After a few minutes to recover I then had the problem of disentangling myself from my surroundings, with one dodgy leg which flatly refused to bend again and was no use for pushing myself up. It took a while, but eventually I managed to lever myself onto my bed using just my arms, and then had another session of “Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerandsoddin’damn as well”. This reassured Mum no end and she wandered off to make me a cup of coffee as I say there holding my knee and cursing softly. It had been getting better. Mum returned with the coffee and said she’d “Never known so much buggering at any one time,” but “I knew you weren’t really damaged because that’s your annoyed and thwarted word.” She’s right too. And right now I’ve been sat on this damned stool for too long. If I can find one at the right price I know what my Christmas present to myself is going to be this year. But first I’ve got to get my knee sorted out so I can walk over the office furniture showroom. So, one more quiet but heartfelt chorus of “Buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger”. Gyppo, I hope your knee feels better, but if you try to pick on me again, your new chair will attack you too. I have a gift. Tim a’MusingHaving a Ball with Fear |
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Uses For Old Newspaper Crumple
and place in suitcase for couple of weeks to remove stale odors. -
NorCalKat |
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Hints:
Here’s a great new rhyming/composition tool. http://www.writerhymes.com/ Submit
Opening Line
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| Re:
Danger Everywhere I felt some worthwhile relief from worry twice after leaving, for other reasons, west-coast houses that were particularly vulnerable to the larger periodic earthquakes. I would not accept the threat levels in Tokyo or Naples, or on any coast subject to storm surges. -Bob of the North Re: Ripley’s Unbelievable I’ve been reading the current offerings from Ripley’s believe it or Not for about the last 14 months, and easily spotted two items to not believe. One involved simple math or geometry, and another missed the fact that the Tasmanian Tiger is extinct. Most of what they run, I have no familiarity with, so I really wonder what the odds are on that challenge. - Bob of the North Re: Spending for the Rich and Famous Mark in Alexandria said, "Buy tents for the homeless? Exactly why are these people homeless? Could it be the poor choices they made? Did I make those choices for them, did the Rich and famous make those choices for them? Where do you get off telling us that we should take care of people who can’t seem to make decent choices in their life? I wouldn’t give a dime to someone who can’t keep a job because they only spend their money on booze or drugs. John Smith had the right idea, if you don’t work, you don’t eat!" I lust after meeting people as ignorant as Mark in Alexandria. Sure some people choose to be homeless. But by no means do all of them. Thousands in the U.S. are living standard lives when out of nowhere a chronic disease strikes making them disabled. Suddenly you can not work… ever again. In most places it takes at least a year to get onto SSI. Too often, it takes even longer. Section 8 housing has a two to three year wait — IF it is even a possibility. Laid off ? Lost all of your medical ? Spent all your savings avoiding homelessness ? The streets are the final refuge. Only the most vile, most evil ignoramus for even a second believes anyone chooses that. Hey Mark, when I meet someone as malignant as you I face the dilemma do I bash in your face with my cane, or do I slash your tires ? Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose. The homeless are the only truly free people. Begrudge them a tent, forbid sleeping in the park, and you will reap what you sow. One last thing, how in the hell are the genuinely destitute supposed to be buying all these drugs and all that alcohol ? Dealers and liquor stores all demand payment. And besides, on the streets you need all of your wits. It sucks to be you Mark. I’d rather be homeless… as if I had any choice in the matter. - Fichen Re: Reader Submission Nancy L in Ohio wrote: Hope you have this one, Sied: April : National Kite Month Gee, I hope you’re referring to those toys that are tethered to tiny tots and tossed into the wind. Callous cheating check writing shoud be avoided. Here comes March and April March Music in our Schools Month National Craft Month National Frozen Food Month National Noodle Month National Nutritional Month Woman’s History Month Youth Art Month First Week Agricultural Week American Camping Week Canada Pharmacy Awareness Week Lutheran Schools Week Second Week Bubble Gum Week Chocolate Week Girl Scout Week Third Week National Wildlife Week National Sports Trivia Week Fourth Week Art Week Clean Your Closet Week 1 National Pig Day 1 Peanut Butter Lover’s Day 1 St. David’s Day (Arch Bishop in Celtic church in Wales (6th century) and also Patron Saint of Wales) 1 Yellowstone National Park (1st U.S. National Park, established) 1 Share a Smile Day 2 Dr Seuss’s Birthday (born in 1904) 2 Old Stuff Day 2 Texas Independence Day 3 National Anthem Day (the Star Spangled Banner was adopted by Congress as the national anthem in 1931) 3 I Want You To Be Happy Day 4 First meeting of Congress (met in New York City in 1789) 5 Mother-in-Law’s Day 5 Siege of the Alamo ended (San Antonio, Texas in 1836) 6 Oreo Cookies for Sale (on sale for first time in 1912) 6 Michelangelo’s Birthday (born in1475) 6 Dentist’s Day 7 Monopoly Day 7 Telephone Patented (in 1876) 8 Farmer’s Day 8 Working Woman’s Day 9 Barbie’s Birthday (Barbie doll was introduced in 1959) 10 First Paper Money issued (first issued in 1862) 10 Harriet Tubman Day 10 Salvation Army Day 11 Johnny Appleseed Day 11 Camp Fire Girl’s Day 12 First Library Opened 12 Girl Scout Day (Girl Scouts founded in 1912) 13 Good Samaritan Day 13 Pluto Discovered (discovered in 1930) 13 Uranus Discovered (discovered in 1781) 14 Casey Jones Birthday (born in 1864) 14 Lewis & Clark begin their explorations 15 Ides of March 16 Absolutely Incredible Kid Day 17 Rubber Band Invented 17 Saint Patrick’s Day 18 First Walk in Space (in 1965) 20 Big Bird’s Birthday (Sesame Street Character) 20 National Quilting Day 21 Children’s Poetry Day 21 National Astrology Day 21 National Teenager’s Day 22 National Goof Off Day 22 As Young As You Feel Day 22 Sing-Out Day 22 World Water Day 23 Toast Day (Nellie Melba revealed her Melba Toast recipe) 24 Agriculture Day 25 Pecan Day 26 Make Up You Own Holiday Day 27 World Theater Day 28 Respect Your Cat Day 29 Coca-Cola was invented (invented in 1886) 29 Vietnam Veteran’s Day 30 Alaska purchased (purchased from Russia in 1867) 30 Doctor’s Day 30 Take A Walk In The Park Day 30 Pencil with Eraser patented (patented in 1858 by Hyman Lipman of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) 31 First Map of the U.S. Patented 31 Tater Day 31 Bunsen Burner Day 31 Eiffel Tower opened (Paris, France in 1889) April Mathematics Education Month Month Of The Young Child National Garden Month National Kite Month National Humor Month Pets Are Wonderful Month First Week of April is: National Reading a Road Map Week National Straw Hat Week Egg Salad Week Second Week of April is: Be Kind To Animals Week National Garden Week National Guitar Week National Library Week Third Week of April is: Astronomy Week Bike Safety Week National Coin Week National Police Week National Volunteer Week Fourth Week of April is: Forest Week National Television-Free Week Teacher Appreciation Week 1 April Fool’s Day 1 National Sleep Day 1 Sorry Charlie Day (Day to honor Charlie the Tuna) 2 International Children’s Book day 2 American Daylight Saving Time begins 2 Green Day 2 National Peanut & Butter Day 3 American Circus Day 4 NATO established (in 1949) 3 National Find-A-Rainbow Day 5 German-Americans Day 6 Twinkie’s Birthday (introduction of "the cake" in 1930) 6 Jump Over Things Day 6 Army Day 7 No Housework Day 7 Museum Day 7 World Health Day 7 National Teacher Appreciation Day 8 International Bird Day 9 U.S. Civil War ends on this date - April 9, 1865 9 Winston Churchill Day 10 Anniversary of the Safety Pin (patented in 1849) 10 National Sibling Day 10 Golfer’s Day 11 Thomas Jefferson’s Birthday (born in 1743) 12 Look Up At The Sky Day 12 Thank You School Librarian Day 13 National Peach Cobbler Day 13 Birth Anniversary of Thomas Jefferson (1743) 13 Blame Someone Else Day 14 National Pecan Day 15 U.S. Income Tax Pay Day 15 Remembrance Day 15 Rubber Eraser Day 15 Anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic (1912) 16 National Karaoke Week 17 Ford Mustang’s Birthday (1964) 18 Third World Day 18 National Animal Crackers Day 19 Garlic Day 19 Revolutionary War began (1775) 20 Astronomy Day 20 Passover 21 Good Friday 21 National Secretaries Day 21 Kindergarten Day (founded in 1837) 22 Earth Day (first observed in 1970) 22 National Jellybean Day 23 National Picnic Day 23 Blue Day 24 National Puppetry Day 25 World YMCA Day 26 Read Me Day 26 Richter Scale Day 26 National Pretzel Day 27 Tell a Story Day 27 National D.J. Day 28 Costume Day 28 Great Poetry Reading Day 28 Texas Wildflower Day 30 National Arbor Day 30 National Honesty Day |
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Disclaimer- All quotes printed in this publication are believed to be accurately attributed, but no guarantees are made that some incorrectly attributed, or even outright false quotes won’t get in here from time to time. I assure readers that I will do my best to weed out incorrect quotes, and will print a retraction as soon as I become aware of any errors. |
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