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Greetings, Quotaholics:
We’ve all heard the tales. There’s a creature that, depending
on where you live, might be called Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, Sasquatch,
Bigfoot, or probably several other names as well. It’s supposed
to be nearly ten feet (3m) high, part ape and part man, and although
rarely if ever seen, leaves huge footprints behind.
It’s a crock, right? I mean, who, in the 21st Century, would believe
that there’s a critter so elusive out there that nothing has been ever
found to verify its existence save footprints? No rotting carcasses,
no bones, nothing. Just a lot of myth, legend, and footprints.
Footprints that were found along Mt. Everest during a 1921 expedition,
and that were found again in 1953 during Edmund Hillary’s ascent of
the same mountain.
Someone’s either going through an awful lot of trouble to hoax people,
or there’s something unexplained still out there.
A Yeti was spotted in India by a forester, breaking off branches and
eating the sap of trees in one particular location two days in a row.
The forester must have been a fan of CSI, because he carefully checked
the area and found two hairs, one 33mm long, the other 44mm.
According to telegraph.co.uk,
scientists at Oxford Brookes University are evaluating the hairs, and
up until now they have not been able to match them with any known species.
The scientists have been using high powered microscopes, and the hairs
will be submitted for DNA testing. Even if that testing doesn’t
match a known species, it should at least be able to identify which
species it is related to.
It’s kind of hard for me to imagine that any land creature in this overpopulated
world of ours has escaped detection by humans, frankly, but the stories
persist. What is remarkable is the geographical range of the sitings,
from North America to Asia, and maybe Africa as well. I don’t
know, but I do know that I’ve heard the stories since I was a kid, and
clearly it went back a lot farther than that. It’s also hard to
imagine that anyone could provide today’s scientists with two hairs
that can not be identified.
I thought this would be kind of a lighthearted piece tonight, but you’ve
got to admit, it’s at least curious how this stuff could still be going
on. Do you believe there could be such a creature? What
would you think if DNA turns up an unknown ape relative? And what
would we humans do if we found one? Would we put it in a zoo,
kill it to dissect it, or what? And what do you think should be
done in the unlikely event one is captured?
Yetily,
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“There’s
no sense in being precise when you don’t even know what you’re talking
about.” - John von Neumann, Hungarian-born American mathematician (1903-1957)
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“The
problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they
see a moth or an ax-murderer.” - Paula Poundstone
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The Bartender
and the Waitress
Thanks to Bonnie in Louisiana]
The boss at the
pub went up to the bartender and asked, “Have you been fooling around
with the waitress?!”
“Oh no, sir, I sure
haven’t,” replied the bartender.
The boss replied,
“Good, then YOU fire her!”
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“National defense is the usual pretext for the policy of fleecing the
people.” - John Taylor, American politician, Senator and philosopher (1753-1824)
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“A man may be a tough, concentrated, successful money-maker and never
contribute to his country anything more than a horrible example.” - Robert
Menzies, Australian Prime Minister (1894-1978)
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“People don’t notice whether it’s winter or summer when they’re happy.”
- Anton Chekhov, Russian playwright (1860-1904)
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E-Mail
the Imp
Pravda has become the international version of the check-out counter
tabloid, “The Enquirer.” They report on everything from alien babies
born to farm girls to flying saucers home ported at the bottom of a
lake and that’s in the Science section. Their strange news is even more
bizarre.
The latest scientific tidbit isn’t actual science fact, but rather concerns
a
science trend and a prediction of what it will lead to in thirty
years. The prediction is, “…a world where every female of any age -
from childhood upwards - could successfully conceive.”
They’re not talking about toddlers and tottering matrons enjoying a
roll in the hay but rather a laboratory procedure to produce the offspring.
Employing techniques still to be developed, scientists believe they
could create sperm and eggs from skin cells and combine them to form
embryos.
Davor Solter, of the Institute of Biology in Singapore, said: “It means
every person regardless of age will be able to have children. Newborn
children could have children and 100-year-olds could have children.
It could easily happen in the next 30 years.”
The article doesn’t state, but alludes to, the use of artificial wombs
to bring these offspring to term. I don’t think the world is ready for
pregnant toddlers or 110 year-old Great-Great-Great-Grandmothers exclaiming,
“Oh dear, my water has broken!”
Just looking at the pure science of creating embryos from skin cells,
I can see a possible need for having the technology ready to go. If
in the future human genetics alters itself as predicted, men will slowly
die out and only females will be left. This would be a method of ensuring
the human race continues.
Other than that, what’s the use and why hurry? It’s not like humans
are screwing themselves into extinction, our global population keeps
growing…no need to augment the birth rate artificially.
The Bad Sied 
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Speak
right up!
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On this day in history, July
30, 2002: The Sarbanes-Oxley Act is signed into law by President George
W. Bush. Senator Paul Sarbanes, a Democrat from Maryland, and Representative
Michael G. Oxley, a Republican from Ohio, co-sponsored the bill. The bill
passed the House with a vote of 423-3 and the Senate with a vote of 99-0.
The law established new or enhanced standards of US public company boards,
management, and public accounting firms. It contains 11 titles or sections
and does not apply to private companies. Being a public company means
it is registered on the stock exchange, i.e. public.
At the beginning of the millennium, there were many highly publicized
business irregularities. Enron, WorldCom, Tyco, Adelphia, and Peregrine
Systems showed the nation and the world the sleazy side of business in
a big way. The boardroom failures, auditor conflicts of interest, the
securities industry’s conflict of interest, irregular banking practices,
bursting the Internet bubble, and obscene executive compensation lost
billions of investor dollars both at home and abroad.
The law established an oversight board with nine different sections specifying
what to oversee. Auditor independence and corporate responsibilities were
spelled out. Enhanced financial disclosures were defined, including off-balance-sheet
transactions. Analyst conflicts of interest were addressed to help restore
investor confidence. The commission’s resources and authority along with
studies and reports were delineated. Corporate and criminal fraud and
white collar crime were addressed with penalties increased for infractions.
Corporate tax returns and accountability were defined and penalties made
explicit.
“All men’s gains are the fruit of venturing.” – Herodotus
“The morale of an organization is not built from the bottom up; it filters
from the top down.” – Peter B. Kyne
“If you can build a business up big enough, it’s respectable.” – Will
Rogers
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Email
Kirsten
“‘You have to
stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she
is.’”
~ Ellen Degeneres ~
It’s like
something from a movie about aliens. You are put on a table and drugged,
little holes are made in your skin, and bits of you are suctioned out
with a straw attached to a vacuum cleaner. OK, that may be a brutally
simplistic description of the process, but it is not that far from what
actually happens during the course of a liposuction
procedure.
A more accurate
description of what happens is this:
- You are put on a table and drugged.
- Little holes are made in your skin.
- Some fluid is injected into the area being liposuctioned. The fluid
contains some local anaesthetic, some epinephrine to contract the blood
vessels and reduce bleeding, and a salt solution to make the fluid equal
the salinity of our body fluids. The amount of fluid being injected
depends on the nature and extent of the liposuction procedure.
- A hollow tube called a cannula (fancy word for a straw) is attached
to an aspirator (fancy word for a vacuum cleaner).
- The other end of the cannula is inserted through the hole in the skin.
- Fat is suctioned out. The technique for this varies. Sometimes it
is done using the cannula and aspirator only. Sometimes ultrasound vibrations
are transmitted to break up the fat cells prior to suctioning them out.
A developing technology is the use of water to loosen the structure
of the fat tissue. The water is injected continuously during the procedure
and removed via the cannula.
- After the procedure, the little holes are left open to allow drainage
of the fluid that was injected. Sometimes the surgeon will partially
suture the holes, allowing space for the fluid to drain.
Surgeons performing liposuction are very insistent about telling patients
that it is not an alternative to losing weight in a healthy way. We
hear stories about people losing 50 pounds due to liposuction, but most
of these stories are sensational exaggerations cooked up by the tabloids.
While there are variances in terms of the doctor, the patient and the
circumstances, the amount of fat removed is usually less than ten pounds.
As ghastly as my description of the procedure sounds, liposuction in
moderate amounts (performed, of course, by someone who knows what they’re
doing and has clean equipment) is fairly safe. It’s when people overdo
it that problems arise. Krista
Stryland of Toronto paid the ultimate price for an overzealous liposuction
procedure in 2007. According to court papers, Dr. Behnaz Yazdanfar made
no less than 23 incisions in six different areas of Krista’s body. A
plastic surgeon who tried to revive her told an investigator that “the
amount of puncture wounds was well beyond the amount that should have
been done”.
The main risks of complication associated with liposuction are:
- dehydration as the patient loses body fluid
- a change in the patient’s body chemistry, resulting in organ failure
and immune system disruption
- bacterial infection entering the patient’s body through the incisions.
- the cosmetic results may not be what was expected.
Liposuction is like any cosmetic surgery. It can be done by a qualified
doctor who has a sense of responsibility, and the results can be great.
Or it can be done by someone who cares more about the money than the
patient, with disastrous or tragic results. Anyone considering any kind
of cosmetic surgery should educate themselves about who is doing the
procedure and what it involves.
I don’t think I’ll ever look at straws or vacuum cleaners in quite the
same way.
Kaleidoscopically yours,
Kirsten
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Some of the Best of Tim
Remember in kindergarten when you learned everything you ever needed
to know? Like dogs are good, and cats are bad? I do.
By now you’ve
probably heard that “Roy”, of Siegfried and Roy, got attacked by a
cat. Bad cat.
There is also
the story of how a guy was out of gas and got more and put it in the
tank and then primed the carburetor with it and the car backfired
and set the dog inside on fire and the passenger let the dog out and
it dropped and rolled like they teach ya in kindergarten but started
a field fire which firefighters put out.
I happen to know
the *real* story. The dog went to get the gas, even though the guy
stuck a pin in him to hold the note that said “get gas” along with
a 5 dollar bill. The dog, being such a fine creature, picked up the
gas can and happily trotted down the street, and even returned with
the gas, with the receipt stuck in his back with the very same pin.
It was a dog truly worthy.
Let’s not kid
ourselves here. There was no passenger that let the dog out. The only
passenger was the faithful dog, who brought the gas back. When asked
by this driver to get behind the wheel and crank it over, the dog
did so, faithfully. Understand for a dog to sit on the seat and press
on the gas, it’s gotta be pretty much stretched out in the groin area,
exposing some serious body parts. Don’t forget he still has a pin
stuck in his back. Oh, the pain….
So the jerk under
the hood lights a cig while telling the dog to crank it over.
The dog got out
just in time. Unfortunately, the van didn’t make it. The dog was singed,
but put out the field fire caused by the van blowing up. He lifted
his leg long before the firemen got there. He was found with 12 empty
beer cans in his vicinity with his paw prints on them. There was no
mention of what he was smoking or what fireman awards this brave canine
would get.
I knew you’d
think I was lying, so I just set my sister’s cat’s ass on fire. Details
may follow when the stitches are removed.
Tim a mewsing….
Having a Ball with Yarns
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Fresh fish freeze well in a milk carton filled with water. - Peggy in
Tonawanda, New York
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Interesting
death wishes you all have.
Next opening line…
Of all the dumb things that I’ve done…
Hints:
Here’s a great new rhyming/composition tool. http://www.writerhymes.com/
There’s also a great rhyming dictionary at http://www.rhymezone.com/
Limerick rules. http://freespace.virgin.net/merrick.sheldon/limerickrules.htm
Submit
Opening Line
Submit
Limerick
Before
I die I want to try
To date that red-headed cutie-pie!
But (this’ll make you chuckle)
Near her my knees buckle
And I know my tongue will tie. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To eat a jalapeño pie.
It will be so hot
My throat will go taut,
My face redden, and my eyes cry. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To see if I can tie a tie.
Whether it’s plaid or check,
They’re all pains in the neck.
So I’ll wear it around my thigh. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To climb in the desert Mt. Sinai.
To find the face of God
And to give Him laud
Or to lay in the desert and fry. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To snow ski in the month of July
I wish to carve turns
But avoiding sunburns -
Sounds like a great summertime high! - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To speak to a “son of Levi”
To warn him `bout breakfast.
I’ll say in my sternest
Voice, “Trix are for kids, silly Rabbi!” - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To see if at night I can espy
A beetle in flight
Carrying a flashlight!
(This beetle is known as a firefly.) - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To visit the isle of Hawaii.
Green the name does imply,
But the southwest is dry,
Where the sole plants are grass and cacti. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To visit and see Mount Denali.
Getting there is easy
But rarely it’s sunny,
And often overcast is the sky. - Anne Onimous |
Before
I die I want to try
To fool a detector of lie
I think that I will say
“A planet far away”
If asked where it is I reside
Maria in Illinois |
Before
I die, I want to try,
A piece of double-chocolate pie.
Covered in a whipped cream,
It would be anyone’s dream.
Of course, directly to my thighs it I should apply. - Bonnie in
Louisiana |
Before
I die I want to try
A hot balloon ride in the sky
and if that goes well
(I don’t plummet to hell)
then the next time I would like to fly. - Cassandra in New York |
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Re: Has the UK Lost its Mind?
I was in England a few months ago and fire alarm went off in the hotel
where I was staying. A group of black people were having an all-night
party in the hotel and one of them set off the alarm for a joke. At 5am,
I was not amused, so when I encountered the firemen outside the hotel,
I told them that I had heard one of the blacks say his mate had set off
the alarm. Ok, I did use the n-word (shame on me). The chief stopped the
men from entering the hotel so he could berate me for using that kind
of language. - John in Walled Lake, Michigan
I think you already summarized
England’s dilemma in your quote section:
“Wherever they burn books they will also, in the end, burn human beings.”
- Heinrich Heine, German poet and writer (1797-1856) - Lucille
[Lucille, Bruce selects the
quotes so I don’t see them before I write my article but I was struck
be that quote too. The most amazing thing about it, to me, is that a hundred
years before Hitler here was a German writer predicting what would happen.
History seems to show that the greatest abuses of power come in the form
of protecting us from some real or imagined evil. - Mike]
Mike, I have said to Bruce more than once and I will say to you that you
can never ever take what The Sun says at face value. You need to check
the story from at least three distinct sources. It is the worst rag printed
in England. In the same underclass is The News of the World, what has
been called the Sunday edition of The Sun.
There
is sometimes a kernel of truth in a Sun story but so exaggerated as to
lose whatever relationship it ever might have had initially to the truth.
- Larry (UK)
[Thanks Larry, I’ll keep that
in mind. Have you heard anything at all about this issue? Is there any
truth to it? Do you feel that the term “nanny state” is a fitting one
for the way things are in England these days?]
The day something outrageous like that is reported in a decent newspaper
will be the day I believe it. I love how The sun has very little evidence
for its claims, such as the name of the Bill that would give Council Officials
these powers. - Kizzi
Re: Reader Submission
Grammie Sammie, thank you for that wonderful link to Matthew Harding’s
video!! That one is a keeper — it made me smile and cry all at the same
time!! Check out Matthew’s website too — he appears to be quite a remarkable
young man!! Thanks for sharing this with us. - Marsha in Michigan
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Disclaimer- All quotes printed in this publication are believed to be
accurately attributed, but no guarantees are made that some incorrectly
attributed, or even outright false quotes won’t get in here from time
to time. I assure readers that I will do my best to weed out incorrect
quotes, and will print a retraction as soon as I become aware of any errors.
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Click here to see the archives of past issues, or go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/reallygoodquotes/messages.
If you run across something really outstanding when perusing the archives,
I’d appreciate it if you’d mail me at TheBestOfRGQ@yahoo.com
and point it out to me. I’m in the process of compiling an e-book
called, not surprisingly, The Best of RGQ, and I’d like to hear from you
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